« Chuck Norris peed his pants and they didnt get wet. »

« Though the creators of The Matrix were close to the truth, there were several glaring errors. For one, we are not inside of a giant computer, but rather the mind of Chuck Norris. Also, the people in "The Matrix" are granted glimpses into the real world, this is via Conan O'Brien's now classic bit: The Walker Texas Ranger Lever. »

« Chuck Norris caught the swine flu it made him cough...once. »

« God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris. »

« Chuck Norris knew the "Secret of the Ooze" before Splinter or Shredder. »

« Psychics ask Chuck Norris for advice. »

« Stephen Hawking found out the hard way not to fuck with Chuck Norris. »

« Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history. »

« If you attempt a "Knock Knock" joke using Chuck Norris' name, you will open a rift into the space time continuum that will swallow the universe as we know it. Everyone knows Chuck Norris and it's not a good idea to pretend otherwise. »

« Chuck Norris had a party and invited celebrities. Tom Cruise cannot get in, because Chuck Norris does not take shit. »

« Chuck Norris could win a school bus demolition derby. With a Yugo. »

« Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though. »

« The Little Engine That Could couldn't until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it up the hill. »

« When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians. »

« Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 2 mile radius. »

« Chuck Norris doesn't have to do shit for a Klondike bar. »

« If anyone were to watch more than two episodes of Walker Texas Ranger in a three hour period, their TV will explode due to "Awesomeness Overload". »

« Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. »

« The British drive on the left side of the road, because Chuck Norris drives on the right. »

« Chuck Norris drinks his scotch on the rocks. With real rocks. »

« Chuck Norris doesn't get paper cuts, paper gets Chuck Norris cuts. »

« Ever wonder how Santa's reindeer were able to fly? The answer's quite simple, they all drank form the stream Chuck Norris peed in. »

« Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. »

« Chuck Norris once played "hold your breath" with a balloon. He won... but not because of his lung capacity. He won because he roundhouse kicked the balloon to death. »

« Gene simons tongue is so long cause Chuck Norris puledl it. »

« Chuck Norris is ranked 12th in the AP college football poll. »

« Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985. »

« Chuck Norris put Terry Shiavo in her coma for giving him a funny look. Unfortunately, his solution didn't stop the funny looks. »

« Chuck Norris once played a game of chinese checkers merely by shooting the marbles. Needless to say he hasn't lost yet. »

« Chuck Norris does not live life on the edge; life lives on the edge of Chuck Norris. »

« Meeting Chuck Norris is a lot like life, it will always end in death. »

« If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. »

« God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him. »

« Chuck Norris wipes his ass with a belt sander. »

« When somebody shoots Chuck Norris the bullet gets hurt. »

« Chuck Norris can use Windows Vista for 3 years without crashing it. »

« Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the movie "Missing in Action". »

« Chuck Norris didn't rest on the 7th day. »

« Regardless of race, sex, gender, location, or education level... at one point in your life you have underestimated Chuck Norris. You will live just long enough to regret this. »

« There's a reason that Chuck Norris's wife doesn't sleep with him. It's because she's scared to get roundhouse kicked awake. »