« Chuck Norris submitted a petetion of 10,000 signatures to McDonalds demanding they bring back "The McRib" sandwich. McDonalds brought it back until they realized every signature was in Norris' handwriting. »

« When Chuck Norris sweats theres a new ocean. »

« A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly. »

« Chuck Norris is the reason Dracula is in a coffin. »

« When Bugs Bunny plays piano, he can take his gloves off and the gloves will continue to play piano. When Chuck Norris undresses, his jeans will continue to kick peoples' asses. »

« Chuck doesn't need Nutrition Facts. He decides what nutrients he gets from eating something. »

« Chuck Norris wasn't born into sin: it was to scared to come out of the womb with him. »

« Chuck Norris once won a drag race on foot. »

« Theres one thing similar between Santa Claus and Chuck Norris, they both break into your house and eat your cookies. »

« Chuck Norris can win a game of Foosball with his hands' tied behind his back. »

« When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper. »

« Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money. »

« Great guitar solos are the player channeling the soul of a ninja. Great ninjas are chanelling the soul of chuck Norris. »

« In 1969 Chuck Norris roundhoused a man towards the sky. One day later Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon. »

« Chuck Norris's balls have balls. »

« If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this? »

« Chuck Norris does not walk; he moves the ground. »

« Only two things cant cut diamond, diamond and Chuck Norris' nipples. »

« Twenty years ago Chuck Norris smiled when he thought about elephants having sex. He has not smiled since. »

« The Lincoln-Douglas debater were the greatest in American history. The winner of all 7 of these historic debates was Chuck Norris because if an individual took more than 10 seconds, to ask a question, Chuck Norris killed them. »

« Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich. »

« Chuck Norris spends his weekends binge eating Duracel batteries. He does this so that on monday he can shit out a depleted-uranium tank round to fire at the short bus that drives by his house. This is funny because he could just as easily eat a well balanced meal and roundhouse kick the bus and its occupants into fiery oblivion. »

« Chuck Norris was offered the role of Michael Knight in 80's TV Show Knight Rider, He turned it down however because he thought Kit was a dick. »

« Chuck Norris doesnt get the swine flu the swine flu gets the Chuck Norris virus. »

« The day Chuck Norris sleeps with your wife is the happiest day of your life. »

« Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking. »

« Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel. »

« Chuck Norris's punching bag broke into a million diffrent pieces even before he had left the store with it. »

« The title song "Eyes of the Ranger" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight. When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one. »

« Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised. »

« Chuck Norris once gave blood. It became the most powerful anabolic steriod known to man. »

« The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar. »

« Chuck Norris regularly dines on a steady diet of broken glass, thumbtacks and napalm. Norris claims it "helps keep a man strong". »

« Chuck Norris way of being tickled is when he gets shot. »

« Chuck Norris doesn’t have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he channels all his roadrage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse kicks his way out of his imploded truck. »

« Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. »

« The only person to have ever survived one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks was bound to a wheel chair, we all know him as Christopher Reeves. The shock killed him several years later. »

« Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. »

« Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds. »

« Chuck Norris has good reasons to believe that Mary was in fact not a virgin. »